: The Conference Room
Title: The Conference Room
Rating: PG
Spoiler Info: Up to and including Season 7 “The Cold”
Disclaimer: Sorkin, Wells, et al. Not me. I own nothing. This is strictly for fun and no profit.
Archiving: Sure, just let me know where please.
Summary: Post Ep to The Cold. If Josh and Donna would have had THE TALK.
A/N: This is my first fan fic. Never ending thanks to my beta, Christina. Your input was crucial. Your skill immeasurable and your considerable patience appreciated. If any reader finds fault or error they are mine alone.
THE CONFERENCE ROOM
“Hey.” Josh walked up to the table in the hotel restaurant where Donna was editing a press release.
“Good morning.” She looked up at him in full business mode. “What’s up?” She glanced back down at the papers in front of her.
Josh sat down across from her. “Nothing.” He paused, “Well, nothing campaign-related.”
“Oh. Anything not campaign-related?” She looked up again, realizing this was about to be a personal talk, not a professional one. He now had her full attention.
“I,” Josh stammered, “I wanted to, you know.”
“What?”
“You said… ‘It was bound to happen sometime’… and I wasn’t entirely sure what you meant by that. Then last night you, you know…” His words seemed rushed; as if he were afraid he might lose his nerve if he thought about it for too long.
“What are you trying to say, Josh?”
“Donna, I didn’t give your key to Edie to give to you. You know that, right?” His eyebrows rose in that way they did when he didn’t know what kind of answer to anticipate. “She just picked it up before I could. Well, actually Ronna did, and then Edie took…” Josh’s voice faded out as he tried to find the words. “You understand what I’m telling you, right?”
Donna smiled at him, one of her amazing smiles that started out small and kind of shy and ended up wide and strong and dancing in her eyes. Okay then, she thought; he wants to talk about this. That alone was a huge step for him.
“Well, honestly, I didn’t know what to think,” she finally said. “First you apologized, you said that you thought it was inappropriate—which I don’t agree with, by the way, I don’t think I said that—and then when Edie brought my key back to me, I thought, maybe I… I don’t know. Are you trying to tell me you were going to bring my key to me?”
Donna was pretty certain that was what he was trying to say. Pretty certain. She once had been able to read him so much better than this, but it had been a long time, and she just wasn’t quite as sure anymore. She ducked her head, looked up at him from under her lashes, and waited.
And Josh smiled. Dimples all over the place. God, she loved that smile. Once, it had been an almost daily event, but she didn’t get to see it often enough any more at all. He was all business all the time now, and had been for months. With good reason, of course—he was doing a job—but still, she thought, he needed to relax a little. To smile more.
“Yes. Yes. That is what I’m trying to tell you.” Josh lowered his gaze and played with the napkin in front of him.
Donna smiled that thousand-watt smile again.
“Okay.” She looked down nervously, but didn’t take long to regain her composure. “Okay then.” She smiled at him, “You are aware, I’m sure, that you could have just come up and, you know, actually knocked on my door. Same result.” She was flirting. Flirting with Josh.
“Thing is…” He interrupted her thoughts.
“There’s a… thing?” Donna’s smile instantly disappeared.
“Yeah. Well, I was thinking how…you know… we’re all kind of busy right now, and, well… and how…”
“We’re trying to get a President elected?” Donna finished.
“Yeah.” He gave her a quick smile, but kept fidgeting with the napkin. “But also, that I don’t, I’m not… I’m not good at this.” He waved his hand between the two of them. “I don’t do this well.”
“What are you trying to tell me, Josh?” Donna was getting a little impatient, and scared of where this might be going. “You’re doing fine; just say it.”
“I’m saying that I didn’t want to come up to your room and, well… Wait a minute, back up, I wanted to, of course I wanted to, but I didn’t want to come up there and then… well, you know… and then today get so busy or things get crazy and I don’t even talk to you the whole day. I didn’t want you to think… I mean, that could happen, you know? The days are long and they’re impossibly chaotic most of the time, and I wouldn’t want you to think I just… I don’t know what I’m trying to say… I didn’t want you to think I took advantage of you or the situation or something. God, see? — I’m really bad at this.” He gestured again to indicate he meant the two of them. “Am I making any sense, Donna?”
Of course I wanted to. She smiled at him. “Yes. Yes, Josh, you are making sense.”
He let out a big sigh, and slouched back against the chair and rubbed his eyes. He hadn’t even realized he’d been holding his breath. “Oh, thank God.” His look of relief was so—Josh.
“Josh?” Donna said his name softly and in a rather low voice.
“Yeah?”
“What are you doing right now?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, aren’t you and the Congressman supposed to be prepping for California?”
“Oh. Ah, Helen’s here. She’s going to fly to California with us later this morning. They wanted to have breakfast together and you know, talk about the kids or whatever. He told me to come get him in a couple hours. Leo and Annabeth left for California already; Bram went with them to get things going for us. He wanted to see the venue and make sure Ronna got a room with a view.” Josh smirked. “Edie just left to go back to headquarters and report to Lou, so… nothing. I need to call Joey but it’s too early on the coast right now. Why?”
”Well if you have some free time, can…may I ask you some things?
********************
Donna looked kind of nervous, and her hesitant smile reminded Josh of a time not too terribly long before when he had turned her down for a job.
He was pretty sure he knew where she was going with this and he wasn’t entirely sure he was ready. He had known they were going to have to hash things out eventually. He’d known that before the kiss. They had way too much history between them and they were going to have to deal with some of the matters that still hung—uncomfortably—in the air. But he had hoped they could ease more slowly into some of the harder stuff.
He’d actually thought they would talk after the election. There were so many things he wanted her to know—things he needed her to understand—but as was his way, he wished she could just know them somehow…understand them…without him having to actually talk about it. Because didn’t she realize there was a very good chance that in the course of explaining things he would screw everything up?
Still, he guessed this was as good a time as any. Here they were, both of them, with time on their hands. Likely the last free time they could have together for a few weeks. And it looked as if she were ready to settle in for the next few hours.
“Like what?” he finally said.
********************
Donna clasped her hands together and then put them in her lap. All the big questions had been running around in her head for years and she hadn’t thought she would ever have the nerve to bring them up. She wasn’t sure what gave her the courage now. Maybe it was just time.
Maybe it was that this was likely to be the only free time they would have in the next four or five weeks.
Could be that she was starting to feel comfortable with him again. Lord knew it had been a long time since she had.
Maybe it was because he’d kissed her and good God she certainly wanted that to happen again.
“Well, maybe we can go somewhere private?” She had waited a long time for this talk and she really didn’t want to have it in the restaurant of some hotel.
“Uh, yeah, let’s…” He nodded his head toward the exit and stood up. Donna gathered her things and followed him into the hotel lobby. He glanced in both directions and then walked across to the front desk. He spoke quietly with the attendant and then came back to her. He pointed toward one of the conference rooms. “Let’s go in there.”
He followed her into the room and closed the door behind them.
Donna set her folders and her purse on the table and sat down. Josh took a seat beside her, rolled it backwards a little and turned to face her.
They smiled uneasily at each other.
Donna began, “Josh.” She didn’t know how to start. She thought it was a lot harder than it ought to have been and that made her sad.
“Go ahead,” he said.
“Well, okay.” She started by trying to reassure him first. “I’ve missed you. I missed seeing you every day, I missed working with you, and I missed the way we used to…” she hesitated, “I don’t know… the way we used to be. And anything I say now shouldn’t have you believing differently.”
She saw him cringe a little, and cross his arms, before he cocked his head toward her and raised an eyebrow.
“I know you think I left you,” she continued. “That I was ungrateful and that I walked out on you. I tried for weeks to tell you I was thinking of leaving, and why. Weeks, Josh. The time never seemed right. I avoided Will for days trying to decide what to do. I had to make a decision and I did. And Josh, please, take this the way I mean it: I’m not sorry I left. I’ve grown more in the last year than I thought possible. I had to take the next step, find a challenge. I needed to do more.”
He was still quiet, just staring at her, so she plowed on.
“I gave my notice to HR three weeks before I left, Josh. Once I did that, it was that much harder to talk to you about it because, well, because of reasons I want to explain now and because I knew you wouldn’t understand. But then I finally worked up the courage, and four times I set aside time on your calendar to talk to you, and you canceled on me.”
Josh just kept looking at her, surprised she chose to start with that subject. Unbelievable! Somehow, they were right back in the bullpen, right where they’d left off—as if she’d just quit and they’d just impulsively arranged themselves in his office, around his desk, instead of parked themselves in an anonymous hotel conference room he was pretty sure he’d memorize every bland detail of before they were finished. Of everything he wanted to talk to her about, of all the issues he knew they needed to discuss, other than Gaza and Germany, this was the one he dreaded most. Now here she was, acting like he had some fault in the whole damn mess, like he’d held her back. He honestly wasn’t sure he could talk about this without getting angry all over again.
“You know what? You could have started with a better topic.” He said suddenly, his tone a little sharper than he intended. But, better than angry he thought.
She jumped in. “Josh, I started with this because otherwise we’d never get to it. We’d just keep avoiding it and dancing around it and you know…”
There was heat and determination and a little desperation in Donna’s voice, a little more of all of it than he expected, but Josh walked right over her, not letting her finish. “You did leave me, Donna. We were a team. You and me. I needed you. You were a vital part of that administration and my staff. Jesus, Donna, you were the senior assistant to one of the most powerful men in the country. What more did you want?” His voice grew louder with each sentence. “I consulted with you. I bounced ideas off of you. You were my right arm. And you left. You gave HR three weeks, but you didn’t give me any notice at all.”
Josh paused to regroup. He imagined Donna would be wincing at his raised voice, but instead, she looked as if she were prepared for this and in fact, actually expected it, and as if she knew there was more. There was, but he felt calmer about it now.
He took a deep breath. “Donna, look. You came to work for me with no political background. From day one, I taught you. I explained every topic you questioned me about. You started out knowing no more than any other American citizen about the inner workings of politics, and you ended up working in the White House! For some people, that is their goal. That is their ‘challenge.’ I was your mentor, and you know you were more than just an assistant to me. It’s not as if you were the copy girl! And you walked out without so much as a thank you or a good bye, to go work for Bingo Bob of all people. On that train bound for nowhere.”
She’d finally heard enough. She snapped. “You know what, Josh? You’re right. You did teach me. You taught me most of what I know, actually. I know that. And I do thank you for that. But I wanted something different. And I wasn’t getting it there. I asked you more than once for more to do, something significant. I had been asking for more to do long before I went to Gaza.”
At the mention of Gaza, Josh paled noticeably, but she stood up and continued. “Be mad if you want, you have that right, but you don’t have to insult my choice. If the Vice President had won the nomination, as the whole country thought he would, you wouldn’t be laughing at me now. And even though he didn’t win, I learned a lot in those months. It was a different aspect of politics than I had experienced before. And it sure as hell was a stepping stone to Lou hiring me for this job.”
She took a breath and walked over to the windows on the other side of the room, willing herself not to cry. She didn’t want to appear weak or over-emotional now, not while they were discussing this. She had grown, she was more mature, and even though he still had the power to reduce her to tears with his cutting words, she refused to let that happen now. She sighed, almost not caring if he understood what she meant. “It wasn’t about leaving you, Josh.”
“Donna.” He was standing right behind her. His voice matched hers: soft and quiet. She loved it when he said her name like that, but she didn’t move.
“Donna,” he repeated, putting his hand on her shoulder and gently turning her to face him. “I’m not laughing at you. And I’m not really mad at you anymore. It’s just a sore subject. It took me a long time and more than a few sleepless nights over the last year to realize what I felt was hurt. I couldn’t believe you left me. Things got so crazy so fast there were days at a time I didn’t have time to think about it, about you. But I want you to know, there were nights when I couldn’t think of anything but you.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you.” She looked into his eyes and he saw the tears in hers. “And I do thank you for all you taught me when we worked in the White House. I can get past this, Josh. Can you?”
He reached for her and wrapped an arm around her waist. His other hand cupped the side of her face, “Yes. Yes, I can, Donnatella.”
She smiled. He hadn’t called her Donnatella in so very long.
Josh pulled her closer and his hand found the back of her head and his fingers got lost in the silk of her hair. He leaned toward her until their foreheads were touching and he said again, “Yes. I can.” And then he kissed her.
Slow and sweet, he tilted his head to one side and she tilted hers to the other and their lips barely brushed. He pulled back and looked at her again, his eyes dark, like pools of ink, barely brown, almost black. And then he took her mouth with his. And once their lips met, he felt that same wonderful pull he’d felt the morning before—a lurch in his chest, almost like his heart had taken a breath, like he couldn’t get enough air, but his body knew she was the air he needed. He didn’t care how cheesy that description sounded in his head; it felt spectacular. And he deepened the kiss.
“Mmm.” A sound from somewhere in Donna’s throat escaped. Josh groaned in response. Her hands found his hair, soft and curly. He tasted like toothpaste and coffee and she thought to herself that his mouth was perfect. He kissed perfectly.
Donna got lost in the kiss; Josh forgot for a minute where they were.
When they finally parted, both in need of some air, he held on to her, her hair wrapped around his fingers, and tilted her head to the left. And because he’d wanted to for so incredibly long, he kissed her exposed neck. She couldn’t possibly know how much he loved that slender, graceful part of her. He sucked gently on the skin where it curved into her shoulder.
“Josh,” Donna murmured slowly, drawing his name out as if it were two syllables.
“Hmm?” he answered, but kept kissing her, pulling her hair back with his hand and kissing his way up to behind her ear.
“Josh.” Donna was louder now and she brought her hand from his hair to his shoulders and pushed gently. She didn’t really want him to stop at all—especially not when he’d just found that one spot; the one that made her knees weak. His kisses were making the room spin for her. But if they didn’t stop now…well, it really wouldn’t do for someone to walk in and find them on top of the conference table.
“Yeah.” Josh stopped his adoration reluctantly.
“Josh, we have more to talk about, don’t you think?” She tried for persuasive and practical, but her voice sounded just a little too breathless to pull it off as well as she hoped.
“Uh, yeah, but I’m not done here yet.” He pulled her close and resumed planting open-mouthed kisses in the hollow of her neck. She could feel his smile on her skin.
“Josh!” Donna laughed. “One of us has to have some restraint here.”
“Alright.” He pulled away and smiled at her. And thinking they might have reached some kind of a plateau for the day, he looked at his watch. But Donna wasn’t finished.
“Why did you come to Germany?” she blurted out.
He felt sucker-punched, and she knew it. The look in his eyes was pain. There was no mistaking it. He’d gone from hurt and angry to passionate to hurt again in the course of the last twenty minutes.
“Wow. OK, you know what, this is…” Josh suddenly thought the room felt warm, and in his mouth he tasted the bitter flavor that he’d learned to relate to PTSD. It didn’t happen often, but thoughts of that time of their lives never failed to bring it on. “I…you…” He sat down hard and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and his head down. She sure hadn’t come there to talk about the weather.
“You were hurt, Donna. I… You were hurt.” It was all he could manage in that moment, and he offered it as if it should explain everything.
“But, Josh....” Donna started. And then: “Yes, I was hurt. And I… I understand why you came; that—was the wrong question. I would have done the same if you were hurt…And it seems like we’ve had a conversation like this before, doesn’t it?” Her smile was small, and tentative, and gone. “But, Josh… why did you stay? Why did you… Was there ever more to it?”
“Donna, I…”
“’Cause I thought at the time, that maybe there was more to it…” She leaned on the table beside him.
“Yes. There was,” he paused, “more to it.” He wanted to finally tell her. No matter how vulnerable it made him seem, he wanted to finally tell her, he needed to finally tell her, that there was a time, there were several times in fact, over the course of the last eight years, when he had thought he might love her, but that he knew it for sure the second he saw her in the hospital bed. How could he explain?
“Donna, let’s back up a little. There were more than a few times during the Bartlet administration that I…” He didn’t know what to call it—had a crush maybe— although that sound so high school. “There were times I thought of you as more. We spent more than twelve hours a day together five and sometimes six days a week. Hell, we spent more than sixteen hours together on a fairly regular basis. We saw each other more than most husbands and wives. We ate together. We knew each other’s habits and tastes. We’re both young. Well, we were then, anyway; I feel so old now.”
He looked down at the edge of the table, suddenly a little more uncomfortable. “My point is, you are a beautiful woman, Donna, and I am, you know… a guy. I’m not without… urges. I thought about you in more than a strictly professional way a number of times over the years....” He trailed off, closing his eyes; then lifting his head; he looked back at her and picked up again with more vehemence.
“God, it was so many more than just a number of times, Donna! You were so much to… you have no idea. But I realized that the work had to come first, and that our friendship and the strength of our working relationship could be damaged permanently if something were to happen between us, you know… romantically. I wasn’t willing to risk one for the other.
“But I went to Germany because you were my friend. I went because I cared; because I couldn’t be anywhere else. And yes, there was more, too. You told me once that if I were in an accident you wouldn’t stop for red lights. I’ve never forgotten that. You needed someone by your side, Donna, and I needed to be there.” He finally looked away from her.
Donna cried silent tears and couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Josh...I…” She didn’t know how to address everything he’d just said. She just sat there a moment. There were no words.
Finally, she seemed to find her voice again. “I wouldn’t have said no, you know. I wouldn’t have turned you down. If you had told me… If you had said… You know… I wanted something more for most of the years we worked together, too, Josh. But I always figured you didn’t see me that way. And I didn’t think there was anything I could do about it.”
Josh’s head snapped back up and he looked at her intently, “I saw you, Donna. Believe me; I saw you. I was never blind to you… But if something had happened, it would have looked really bad to most of the staff and very…sleazy to the public. I might have been seen as just a virile guy who chased after a young sexy blonde and that would have blown over in a week or two, but you would have been seen as… well, as something much worse.”
Donna knew what he was telling her, but that still didn’t explain... “When I came back to work after my recovery, you were really distant. Everything changed after Gaza. What happened to us? You treated me really differently then. Why?” Her eyes pleaded for an explanation, as she took a chair beside him.
For a long moment, Josh just looked back at her. “Alright, I’m going to tell you something now.” His voice was low, and he was clearly uncomfortable. “I still can’t think about that whole trip and what happened to you without feeling physically sick. It’s painful for me and I feel guilty. And thinking about what happened to you… Well, let me tell you this—you remember Stanley?”
Donna nodded.
“Well, I’ve talked to him off and on a few times in the past few years, but I’ve only seen him twice since I was shot, and both times we talked about you. All I knew when I heard you were hurt was that I had to be there.” Josh seemed to get lost in thought and looked down at the floor. Almost to himself, he said “The goddamned plane wasn’t fast enough, and I kept thinking...” He looked up at her again, “I was sure you were going to be…” —he swallowed hard— “dead when I got there.
“But after a few days your health improved and you were doing so much better. And I was ready to say to hell with the public. I wanted to hold you, Donna; I wanted to tell you… I brought you flowers, roses, and I wanted to tell you how I felt, and that I wanted… well, more. And when I opened the door to your room and…”
Josh’s eyes drifted again. Clearly he was reliving it, one more time. “The room was empty except for some blood-soaked gauze and rags or sheets or something. It looked… big. I guess because the bed was gone. And…” Josh stood up and walked to the window. He could still see her room, and feel his heart fall to his feet at the sight that had awaited him when he’d opened that door. He’d gone to tell her he loved her. And he’d almost lost her. His heartbeat quickened as he thought about it.
“And they told me where you were and what happened and then I found you and you were scared and all I could do was tell you it would be alright when I wasn’t sure of it myself at all. There was nothing I could do. Nothing. No political power in the world could make you well. And my dad died from an embolism, you know? I felt so damn helpless, Donna. And the waiting was just…I just, I knew I was never going to see you again. And then the doctor came out, and he said the operation was successful but that you might…” Josh’s voice broke then, and Donna could barely stand the anguish she heard in it. She waited, but he was unable to go on for several seconds.
He finally took a deep breath. “… that you might have… damage...” But still Josh couldn’t finish the thought—until it all seemed to come out in a rush. “And then, when you pulled through and… oh God, Donna, I don’t even know the words to tell you… But I realized then that I couldn’t lose you; I couldn’t. I’d never be able to deal with it. Donna, you can’t imagine what it was like to walk into your room and find it empty except for the obvious evidence that something horrible had happened. I couldn’t stand to think the worst, but…
“I know this won’t make any sense to you. It didn’t make any sense to Stanley either, but the only way to guarantee I wouldn’t lose you was to never have you. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t made it, Donna. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if things had gone the other way. Do you understand? I couldn’t let myself be that close to you, no matter how much I wanted you. Part of me felt responsible because I sent you, and I just had to back up, to back away. It hurt too much. So while you recovered I worked. Just worked. Worked and slept and tried to convince myself that I didn’t love you. I really don’t know how to explain it. I know it doesn’t make any sense.” He paused and looked at her, asking hopefully, “Do you understand?”
Donna didn’t quite know how to reply. Her first impulse was to tell him that he could never really lose her, no matter what—that even then it had been way, way too late for him to decide never to have her, because she had long been already his. She just would have to find a way to say it all that didn’t sound like something out of the latest Harlequin. She told herself that someday she’d explain the small chuckle the thought brought on and tell him she’d tried to joke herself out of crying at the beauty of what he’d revealed to her.
But Josh’s cell rang then and they both jumped. He looked at the number: Lou. He flipped it open. “Yeah?” he said sharply.
“Hello to you, too, Josh! Cheer up! We’re tied with Vinick— or hadn’t you heard?”
“What is it, Lou?”
“Kenny called; Joey is really sick, so he gave me the numbers. Want me to go over them now?”
“No, not now. I’ll call you back.” And with that he closed the phone. He looked at Donna expectantly.
Donna suspected it had taken nearly everything Josh had to open himself to her as he had. He didn’t like to admit weakness of any kind, and knowing him as she did, she knew he would have worried he was being weak. “I think I understand, Josh. Maybe more than you do. You distanced yourself. You pulled away. You thought you were shutting out the potential for heartache and loss. But, Josh, what you did was shut out the potential for happiness, too. You do that, you know. Not always on so grand a scale as this, but you do use avoidance to get through the bumps in life.” She hoped she didn’t sound patronizing. “And Josh, I do know how it feels to think about losing you… I almost did.”
He looked at her and they both had tears in their eyes; Donna more so than Josh as all her anxiety and fear over Rosslyn rushed back through her. But the look on his face was easy for her to read: he was thankful. Thankful that she understood him; that she wasn’t angry; that she, of all people and after all this time, still got him.
“Thirsty?” he asked, and didn’t wait for an answer. “I’m thirsty; wait right here.” And he walked out the door, closing it behind him.
Donna dried her eyes, straightened up and stretched, shaking her head and smiling a little. Avoidance; yeah.
********************
Josh returned a couple minutes later with two bottles of water.
“My turn?” he asked as he sat back down. Next to him, Donna nodded.
“Okay. Do you understand why I couldn’t hire you when you came to me a few months ago? As mad as I had been at you in the beginning for leaving me…”
“Josh.” Donna interrupted and he knew immediately why.
“…for leaving your job. As mad as I had been after you left, I never wanted to hurt you.” He had realized she was nervous that day and he hated that he had had to shut her out. But he had felt he had no choice then. He told her that and she shook her head.
“I thought about you for days after that, Donna; I lost sleep.” He’d also thought she didn’t look well that day—she was too pale or too thin or something. But he didn’t tell her that now; there was no point.
He wanted to know if she was still mad at him for not hiring her. She had to get that it was political to him. He hadn’t wanted to hurt her, and missing her was both the least of what he felt for her and the most he could admit to her at the time—but the political overrode all that then. She couldn’t have walked away from one candidate and begun to represent another one that quickly. That kind of timing would have looked incredibly bad for the Santos campaign. It would have looked bad for her, too, and in that way he knew it was personal. He’d felt more than sick that he’d had to refuse her, and the manner in which he’d done it still didn’t sit right with him, and in that way he knew it was personal, too. But she had to get that the decision itself had been… business. Sometimes he hated business. Even now, as he tried to convince her, the whole thing rang a little hollow, and twisted him up inside all over again.
“Donna, it would have made you look indecisive and… and capricious. You were the voice of the other campaign. You had to let some time pass. Do you understand that—why I couldn’t hire you?”
“I know. You’re right now, and you were right then. I understand now. It stung, Josh. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, come to you for a job like that. But I really am past it now. It’s not something I hold against you. I don’t even think about it really.”
She sat back in the chair and thought for a moment. “You know, I really am amazed at you.”
He smiled that smile of his that always made her think about a four-year-old who had just been told he’d done something well. Kind of his ‘thank you and please tell me more about myself’ smile. Not so much cocky, as he could also be, but actually happy that he had pleased someone else. “Uh-kay, why?” he said through his grin.
“Josh, you have done amazing things in the last several months. You took a little known Congressman and put him in the spotlight. You knew when you walked out of the White House and went to him all those months ago that he was his own man and had strong convictions and that he was the one. You knew when he came to you and told you he would do it only if you were part of the deal, that…”
“How did you know about that?” Josh interrupted her.
“Toby told me.”
“When did you…”
“Not too long after I left. I called him to find out how you were doing…”
“He never told me that.”
“I asked him not to, Josh.”
“Oh.” He sounded somewhat surprised and maybe a little disappointed, “Do you still talk to…”
“No. I haven’t talked to him since…” A lopsided frown came and went in a second. “Anyway, what I’m getting at is I always knew you were… I can’t believe I’m saying this; you’ll never let me forget it…” She grinned. “Josh, you are incredibly skilled, you are a brilliant political mind…”
“Donna, do you have any idea how often I have screwed up during this campaign?” he interrupted. “Believe me when I tell you I might have skills, and I love what I do, but I’m… I’m not as brilliant… as I once believed I was. This has been incredibly humbling. It was easy with President Bartlet; Leo called all the shots and allowed the rest of us to work with him, and have input. I was younger then, I was more optimistic, foolish maybe. But, doing this on my own, well… there’ve been a hundred things I could have done better.”
“Josh.” She put her hand out to stop him from criticizing himself. “For all the teasing, and faux ridicule we’ve shared, for all the joking, all the… mocking, you have always been… I have always admired you. You are the most intelligent, honest, kind-hearted— though you do like to hide that character trait—ethical, fair person I know. You are…”
She wanted him to know that he had always been and still was bigger than life in her eyes. Not that she couldn’t be his equal, but part of her would always be in awe of his passion and devotion to his life’s work. Donna’s eyes were huge when she looked him straight in the eye and said, “Josh, you quite simply amaze me most of the time, and the rest of the time, you…”
“Irritate the hell out of you?” he teased.
“Well, yes of course, that too.” She flashed him a smile. She knew that in spite of his oftentimes puffed up ego, he was actually uncomfortable receiving too much praise. So she let it go.
“You know,” Josh started, serious again, “just because I didn’t hire you before, doesn’t mean that I’m not glad you’re here now. I admit I wasn’t thrilled at first, but you have done really well. I don’t just mean handling the press, Donna, but you’ve had some very constructive input in planning and strategizing, too.”
He wanted to tell her that he was amazed at her political savvy and her insight. But he didn’t know how to word it so that it didn’t sound like he was surprised she was good at this. He didn’t want to seem patronizing. So instead he said, “You truly are an asset to the campaign.”
Then he got the one thousand watt smile, and a little tiny voice saying, “Really?”
“Yes, really.”
Donna glowed for a moment, then said with a mischievous smile, “So, about yesterday morning.” She got up and walked around to stand behind his chair. She put her hands on his shoulders and began to massage the tension away. “I guess we’re pretty clear that neither of us needs to be sorry?”
“Donna, I’m not sorry. It may however, actually have been inappropriate, considering my position and your position…”
“Josh, are we going to talk about positions now?” Donna ran her hands down the front of his shirt, and bent down to whisper in his ear, “Because I have to tell you…”
“Donna!” He leaned forward, looked over his shoulder up to her face and saw her smirk. He laughed with her and he took one of her hands and laced his fingers through hers as he leaned back again.
“I’m just saying.” Donna was enjoying herself immensely. They hadn’t lost whatever they’d once had. The verbal volleying was still alive.
“As I was saying, considering what we do for a living, and the fact that I had no reason to think you would welcome such… an advance on my part….,” he went on.
“Ooo, now we’re going to talk about parts…” She ran her free hand up into his hair, slowly parting the curls with her fingernails and then barely brushing his ear with one finger as her hand leisurely moved down his cheek.
Josh, unable to continue his train of thought, turned his head and took her finger in his mouth and gently sucked on the end of it. And then his cell rang.
“Damn it,” he said, at the same time she growled at the stupid chirping sound.
There was a very good chance she would come to hate that phone.
Josh stood up and flipped the phone open as he walked over to the windows.
“Yeah?” he said in a sigh as he answered.
“Josh. Breakfast is over. Where are you?” the Congressman asked.
“Um, I’m downstairs. I’ll be up in a minute.”
“Okay. I want to go over the newest press release with Donna; find her and bring her with you.”
“Yes sir.” Josh replied. The Congressman and Josh had had a conversation early in the campaign about the presidential voice. Josh still believed a man had to be President to have a presidential voice, but Matt Santos sounded more presidential every day.
Josh snapped his phone shut. “Donna, we have to go now. The Congressman is waiting.”
“Alright.” She stood and took in a deep breath.
“Are we… OK?” Josh walked over to her and stood close. He brushed some stray hair away from her eyes. His eyebrows raised, he waited for her answer. They had both said so much. But in the end, he felt so much better for it. He hoped she did too.
“Josh. we are very much… OK.” She smiled “He pulled her close, wrapped his arms around her back and buried his face in her neck. Donna hugged him back and ran her fingers up the back of his neck into his hair.
Josh kissed her neck and she smiled. Then he pulled back and kissed her once, gently, on the mouth. The talk had washed away all the old doubts and pain and confusion. Now they were ready for something new. It was time to move on. He pulled her closer and deepened the kiss. She followed his lead and within a minute they were both out of breath.
“Josh, we’d better go.” She took his hand and pulled him back toward the door.
“Um, yeah. Probably not a good thing to get caught making out in a hotel conference room. Donna?”
“Yeah?”
“You know there are going to be very few available moments in the next several weeks, right?”
“Yeah?” She didn’t know where he was going with this.
“Well, I’m saying… that I have a tendency to…you know, get wrapped up in things. I’m… I mean, I don’t want you to think… What I’m trying to say…”
“Don’t worry Josh; I know we have a job to do. I’m going to be busy too, especially once we win.” She said this without any thought, like she knew it was a given. “If we don’t get to spend any time alone I’ll know that you’re not being… a jerk.”
Josh looked relieved. “Uh-kay, but that’s not to say that I won’t try to, you know, squeeze you in.”
Donna got his double meaning. “And I am really looking forward to all the… squeezing, Josh.”
“You know we need to keep this quiet for a while?” he asked cautiously. “And maybe take things kind of… well, I would like to have more than just a couple of hours to spend with you before…before… What I’m trying to say is whenever we… I mean don’t get me wrong, I want to. But, when we…I mean after the election we’ll have more time…” Josh finally took a breath and said, “Let’s take things one day at a time. Okay? Not rush into anything?”
“Yes. I think we need to keep this between us at least until after all the post-election mania.” She couldn’t help but chuckle softly. She understood he was being a gentleman. “And if you want to… take things one day at a time… I understand.”
Based on the kisses alone, Donna knew there was no way either of them would be able to take things one day at a time for very long. Gentleman or no, she was ready to rip his clothes off every time he kissed her. Come on—every time he looked at her. Truth be told, it had been an unhealthy amount of time since she’d had sex. Or any attention from a man, for that matter. But she could go along with his way of thinking for now. Too bad she couldn’t place a bet on it, though.
“Donna, I’m not really good at all this…,” Josh picked up, “the dating and the, you know, boyfriend stuff. But sometime, in the not too distant future, we will have time for us.” He looked at her and his eyes were dark and full of promise.
“Let’s go.” He squeezed her hand, and she smiled at him. She collected her things and he opened the door and allowed her to pass through. As she did, she stopped and looked back into the conference room.
“I like this room. It’s a good room,” she said simply. Then she smiled at Josh, turned and walked back to the lobby.
He looked back over his shoulder, and, grinning, took it all in one more time. She had a point.
END
Feedback is appreciated. All kinds.
Title: The Conference Room
Rating: PG
Spoiler Info: Up to and including Season 7 “The Cold”
Disclaimer: Sorkin, Wells, et al. Not me. I own nothing. This is strictly for fun and no profit.
Archiving: Sure, just let me know where please.
Summary: Post Ep to The Cold. If Josh and Donna would have had THE TALK.
A/N: This is my first fan fic. Never ending thanks to my beta, Christina. Your input was crucial. Your skill immeasurable and your considerable patience appreciated. If any reader finds fault or error they are mine alone.
THE CONFERENCE ROOM
“Hey.” Josh walked up to the table in the hotel restaurant where Donna was editing a press release.
“Good morning.” She looked up at him in full business mode. “What’s up?” She glanced back down at the papers in front of her.
Josh sat down across from her. “Nothing.” He paused, “Well, nothing campaign-related.”
“Oh. Anything not campaign-related?” She looked up again, realizing this was about to be a personal talk, not a professional one. He now had her full attention.
“I,” Josh stammered, “I wanted to, you know.”
“What?”
“You said… ‘It was bound to happen sometime’… and I wasn’t entirely sure what you meant by that. Then last night you, you know…” His words seemed rushed; as if he were afraid he might lose his nerve if he thought about it for too long.
“What are you trying to say, Josh?”
“Donna, I didn’t give your key to Edie to give to you. You know that, right?” His eyebrows rose in that way they did when he didn’t know what kind of answer to anticipate. “She just picked it up before I could. Well, actually Ronna did, and then Edie took…” Josh’s voice faded out as he tried to find the words. “You understand what I’m telling you, right?”
Donna smiled at him, one of her amazing smiles that started out small and kind of shy and ended up wide and strong and dancing in her eyes. Okay then, she thought; he wants to talk about this. That alone was a huge step for him.
“Well, honestly, I didn’t know what to think,” she finally said. “First you apologized, you said that you thought it was inappropriate—which I don’t agree with, by the way, I don’t think I said that—and then when Edie brought my key back to me, I thought, maybe I… I don’t know. Are you trying to tell me you were going to bring my key to me?”
Donna was pretty certain that was what he was trying to say. Pretty certain. She once had been able to read him so much better than this, but it had been a long time, and she just wasn’t quite as sure anymore. She ducked her head, looked up at him from under her lashes, and waited.
And Josh smiled. Dimples all over the place. God, she loved that smile. Once, it had been an almost daily event, but she didn’t get to see it often enough any more at all. He was all business all the time now, and had been for months. With good reason, of course—he was doing a job—but still, she thought, he needed to relax a little. To smile more.
“Yes. Yes. That is what I’m trying to tell you.” Josh lowered his gaze and played with the napkin in front of him.
Donna smiled that thousand-watt smile again.
“Okay.” She looked down nervously, but didn’t take long to regain her composure. “Okay then.” She smiled at him, “You are aware, I’m sure, that you could have just come up and, you know, actually knocked on my door. Same result.” She was flirting. Flirting with Josh.
“Thing is…” He interrupted her thoughts.
“There’s a… thing?” Donna’s smile instantly disappeared.
“Yeah. Well, I was thinking how…you know… we’re all kind of busy right now, and, well… and how…”
“We’re trying to get a President elected?” Donna finished.
“Yeah.” He gave her a quick smile, but kept fidgeting with the napkin. “But also, that I don’t, I’m not… I’m not good at this.” He waved his hand between the two of them. “I don’t do this well.”
“What are you trying to tell me, Josh?” Donna was getting a little impatient, and scared of where this might be going. “You’re doing fine; just say it.”
“I’m saying that I didn’t want to come up to your room and, well… Wait a minute, back up, I wanted to, of course I wanted to, but I didn’t want to come up there and then… well, you know… and then today get so busy or things get crazy and I don’t even talk to you the whole day. I didn’t want you to think… I mean, that could happen, you know? The days are long and they’re impossibly chaotic most of the time, and I wouldn’t want you to think I just… I don’t know what I’m trying to say… I didn’t want you to think I took advantage of you or the situation or something. God, see? — I’m really bad at this.” He gestured again to indicate he meant the two of them. “Am I making any sense, Donna?”
Of course I wanted to. She smiled at him. “Yes. Yes, Josh, you are making sense.”
He let out a big sigh, and slouched back against the chair and rubbed his eyes. He hadn’t even realized he’d been holding his breath. “Oh, thank God.” His look of relief was so—Josh.
“Josh?” Donna said his name softly and in a rather low voice.
“Yeah?”
“What are you doing right now?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, aren’t you and the Congressman supposed to be prepping for California?”
“Oh. Ah, Helen’s here. She’s going to fly to California with us later this morning. They wanted to have breakfast together and you know, talk about the kids or whatever. He told me to come get him in a couple hours. Leo and Annabeth left for California already; Bram went with them to get things going for us. He wanted to see the venue and make sure Ronna got a room with a view.” Josh smirked. “Edie just left to go back to headquarters and report to Lou, so… nothing. I need to call Joey but it’s too early on the coast right now. Why?”
”Well if you have some free time, can…may I ask you some things?
********************
Donna looked kind of nervous, and her hesitant smile reminded Josh of a time not too terribly long before when he had turned her down for a job.
He was pretty sure he knew where she was going with this and he wasn’t entirely sure he was ready. He had known they were going to have to hash things out eventually. He’d known that before the kiss. They had way too much history between them and they were going to have to deal with some of the matters that still hung—uncomfortably—in the air. But he had hoped they could ease more slowly into some of the harder stuff.
He’d actually thought they would talk after the election. There were so many things he wanted her to know—things he needed her to understand—but as was his way, he wished she could just know them somehow…understand them…without him having to actually talk about it. Because didn’t she realize there was a very good chance that in the course of explaining things he would screw everything up?
Still, he guessed this was as good a time as any. Here they were, both of them, with time on their hands. Likely the last free time they could have together for a few weeks. And it looked as if she were ready to settle in for the next few hours.
“Like what?” he finally said.
********************
Donna clasped her hands together and then put them in her lap. All the big questions had been running around in her head for years and she hadn’t thought she would ever have the nerve to bring them up. She wasn’t sure what gave her the courage now. Maybe it was just time.
Maybe it was that this was likely to be the only free time they would have in the next four or five weeks.
Could be that she was starting to feel comfortable with him again. Lord knew it had been a long time since she had.
Maybe it was because he’d kissed her and good God she certainly wanted that to happen again.
“Well, maybe we can go somewhere private?” She had waited a long time for this talk and she really didn’t want to have it in the restaurant of some hotel.
“Uh, yeah, let’s…” He nodded his head toward the exit and stood up. Donna gathered her things and followed him into the hotel lobby. He glanced in both directions and then walked across to the front desk. He spoke quietly with the attendant and then came back to her. He pointed toward one of the conference rooms. “Let’s go in there.”
He followed her into the room and closed the door behind them.
Donna set her folders and her purse on the table and sat down. Josh took a seat beside her, rolled it backwards a little and turned to face her.
They smiled uneasily at each other.
Donna began, “Josh.” She didn’t know how to start. She thought it was a lot harder than it ought to have been and that made her sad.
“Go ahead,” he said.
“Well, okay.” She started by trying to reassure him first. “I’ve missed you. I missed seeing you every day, I missed working with you, and I missed the way we used to…” she hesitated, “I don’t know… the way we used to be. And anything I say now shouldn’t have you believing differently.”
She saw him cringe a little, and cross his arms, before he cocked his head toward her and raised an eyebrow.
“I know you think I left you,” she continued. “That I was ungrateful and that I walked out on you. I tried for weeks to tell you I was thinking of leaving, and why. Weeks, Josh. The time never seemed right. I avoided Will for days trying to decide what to do. I had to make a decision and I did. And Josh, please, take this the way I mean it: I’m not sorry I left. I’ve grown more in the last year than I thought possible. I had to take the next step, find a challenge. I needed to do more.”
He was still quiet, just staring at her, so she plowed on.
“I gave my notice to HR three weeks before I left, Josh. Once I did that, it was that much harder to talk to you about it because, well, because of reasons I want to explain now and because I knew you wouldn’t understand. But then I finally worked up the courage, and four times I set aside time on your calendar to talk to you, and you canceled on me.”
Josh just kept looking at her, surprised she chose to start with that subject. Unbelievable! Somehow, they were right back in the bullpen, right where they’d left off—as if she’d just quit and they’d just impulsively arranged themselves in his office, around his desk, instead of parked themselves in an anonymous hotel conference room he was pretty sure he’d memorize every bland detail of before they were finished. Of everything he wanted to talk to her about, of all the issues he knew they needed to discuss, other than Gaza and Germany, this was the one he dreaded most. Now here she was, acting like he had some fault in the whole damn mess, like he’d held her back. He honestly wasn’t sure he could talk about this without getting angry all over again.
“You know what? You could have started with a better topic.” He said suddenly, his tone a little sharper than he intended. But, better than angry he thought.
She jumped in. “Josh, I started with this because otherwise we’d never get to it. We’d just keep avoiding it and dancing around it and you know…”
There was heat and determination and a little desperation in Donna’s voice, a little more of all of it than he expected, but Josh walked right over her, not letting her finish. “You did leave me, Donna. We were a team. You and me. I needed you. You were a vital part of that administration and my staff. Jesus, Donna, you were the senior assistant to one of the most powerful men in the country. What more did you want?” His voice grew louder with each sentence. “I consulted with you. I bounced ideas off of you. You were my right arm. And you left. You gave HR three weeks, but you didn’t give me any notice at all.”
Josh paused to regroup. He imagined Donna would be wincing at his raised voice, but instead, she looked as if she were prepared for this and in fact, actually expected it, and as if she knew there was more. There was, but he felt calmer about it now.
He took a deep breath. “Donna, look. You came to work for me with no political background. From day one, I taught you. I explained every topic you questioned me about. You started out knowing no more than any other American citizen about the inner workings of politics, and you ended up working in the White House! For some people, that is their goal. That is their ‘challenge.’ I was your mentor, and you know you were more than just an assistant to me. It’s not as if you were the copy girl! And you walked out without so much as a thank you or a good bye, to go work for Bingo Bob of all people. On that train bound for nowhere.”
She’d finally heard enough. She snapped. “You know what, Josh? You’re right. You did teach me. You taught me most of what I know, actually. I know that. And I do thank you for that. But I wanted something different. And I wasn’t getting it there. I asked you more than once for more to do, something significant. I had been asking for more to do long before I went to Gaza.”
At the mention of Gaza, Josh paled noticeably, but she stood up and continued. “Be mad if you want, you have that right, but you don’t have to insult my choice. If the Vice President had won the nomination, as the whole country thought he would, you wouldn’t be laughing at me now. And even though he didn’t win, I learned a lot in those months. It was a different aspect of politics than I had experienced before. And it sure as hell was a stepping stone to Lou hiring me for this job.”
She took a breath and walked over to the windows on the other side of the room, willing herself not to cry. She didn’t want to appear weak or over-emotional now, not while they were discussing this. She had grown, she was more mature, and even though he still had the power to reduce her to tears with his cutting words, she refused to let that happen now. She sighed, almost not caring if he understood what she meant. “It wasn’t about leaving you, Josh.”
“Donna.” He was standing right behind her. His voice matched hers: soft and quiet. She loved it when he said her name like that, but she didn’t move.
“Donna,” he repeated, putting his hand on her shoulder and gently turning her to face him. “I’m not laughing at you. And I’m not really mad at you anymore. It’s just a sore subject. It took me a long time and more than a few sleepless nights over the last year to realize what I felt was hurt. I couldn’t believe you left me. Things got so crazy so fast there were days at a time I didn’t have time to think about it, about you. But I want you to know, there were nights when I couldn’t think of anything but you.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you.” She looked into his eyes and he saw the tears in hers. “And I do thank you for all you taught me when we worked in the White House. I can get past this, Josh. Can you?”
He reached for her and wrapped an arm around her waist. His other hand cupped the side of her face, “Yes. Yes, I can, Donnatella.”
She smiled. He hadn’t called her Donnatella in so very long.
Josh pulled her closer and his hand found the back of her head and his fingers got lost in the silk of her hair. He leaned toward her until their foreheads were touching and he said again, “Yes. I can.” And then he kissed her.
Slow and sweet, he tilted his head to one side and she tilted hers to the other and their lips barely brushed. He pulled back and looked at her again, his eyes dark, like pools of ink, barely brown, almost black. And then he took her mouth with his. And once their lips met, he felt that same wonderful pull he’d felt the morning before—a lurch in his chest, almost like his heart had taken a breath, like he couldn’t get enough air, but his body knew she was the air he needed. He didn’t care how cheesy that description sounded in his head; it felt spectacular. And he deepened the kiss.
“Mmm.” A sound from somewhere in Donna’s throat escaped. Josh groaned in response. Her hands found his hair, soft and curly. He tasted like toothpaste and coffee and she thought to herself that his mouth was perfect. He kissed perfectly.
Donna got lost in the kiss; Josh forgot for a minute where they were.
When they finally parted, both in need of some air, he held on to her, her hair wrapped around his fingers, and tilted her head to the left. And because he’d wanted to for so incredibly long, he kissed her exposed neck. She couldn’t possibly know how much he loved that slender, graceful part of her. He sucked gently on the skin where it curved into her shoulder.
“Josh,” Donna murmured slowly, drawing his name out as if it were two syllables.
“Hmm?” he answered, but kept kissing her, pulling her hair back with his hand and kissing his way up to behind her ear.
“Josh.” Donna was louder now and she brought her hand from his hair to his shoulders and pushed gently. She didn’t really want him to stop at all—especially not when he’d just found that one spot; the one that made her knees weak. His kisses were making the room spin for her. But if they didn’t stop now…well, it really wouldn’t do for someone to walk in and find them on top of the conference table.
“Yeah.” Josh stopped his adoration reluctantly.
“Josh, we have more to talk about, don’t you think?” She tried for persuasive and practical, but her voice sounded just a little too breathless to pull it off as well as she hoped.
“Uh, yeah, but I’m not done here yet.” He pulled her close and resumed planting open-mouthed kisses in the hollow of her neck. She could feel his smile on her skin.
“Josh!” Donna laughed. “One of us has to have some restraint here.”
“Alright.” He pulled away and smiled at her. And thinking they might have reached some kind of a plateau for the day, he looked at his watch. But Donna wasn’t finished.
“Why did you come to Germany?” she blurted out.
He felt sucker-punched, and she knew it. The look in his eyes was pain. There was no mistaking it. He’d gone from hurt and angry to passionate to hurt again in the course of the last twenty minutes.
“Wow. OK, you know what, this is…” Josh suddenly thought the room felt warm, and in his mouth he tasted the bitter flavor that he’d learned to relate to PTSD. It didn’t happen often, but thoughts of that time of their lives never failed to bring it on. “I…you…” He sat down hard and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and his head down. She sure hadn’t come there to talk about the weather.
“You were hurt, Donna. I… You were hurt.” It was all he could manage in that moment, and he offered it as if it should explain everything.
“But, Josh....” Donna started. And then: “Yes, I was hurt. And I… I understand why you came; that—was the wrong question. I would have done the same if you were hurt…And it seems like we’ve had a conversation like this before, doesn’t it?” Her smile was small, and tentative, and gone. “But, Josh… why did you stay? Why did you… Was there ever more to it?”
“Donna, I…”
“’Cause I thought at the time, that maybe there was more to it…” She leaned on the table beside him.
“Yes. There was,” he paused, “more to it.” He wanted to finally tell her. No matter how vulnerable it made him seem, he wanted to finally tell her, he needed to finally tell her, that there was a time, there were several times in fact, over the course of the last eight years, when he had thought he might love her, but that he knew it for sure the second he saw her in the hospital bed. How could he explain?
“Donna, let’s back up a little. There were more than a few times during the Bartlet administration that I…” He didn’t know what to call it—had a crush maybe— although that sound so high school. “There were times I thought of you as more. We spent more than twelve hours a day together five and sometimes six days a week. Hell, we spent more than sixteen hours together on a fairly regular basis. We saw each other more than most husbands and wives. We ate together. We knew each other’s habits and tastes. We’re both young. Well, we were then, anyway; I feel so old now.”
He looked down at the edge of the table, suddenly a little more uncomfortable. “My point is, you are a beautiful woman, Donna, and I am, you know… a guy. I’m not without… urges. I thought about you in more than a strictly professional way a number of times over the years....” He trailed off, closing his eyes; then lifting his head; he looked back at her and picked up again with more vehemence.
“God, it was so many more than just a number of times, Donna! You were so much to… you have no idea. But I realized that the work had to come first, and that our friendship and the strength of our working relationship could be damaged permanently if something were to happen between us, you know… romantically. I wasn’t willing to risk one for the other.
“But I went to Germany because you were my friend. I went because I cared; because I couldn’t be anywhere else. And yes, there was more, too. You told me once that if I were in an accident you wouldn’t stop for red lights. I’ve never forgotten that. You needed someone by your side, Donna, and I needed to be there.” He finally looked away from her.
Donna cried silent tears and couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Josh...I…” She didn’t know how to address everything he’d just said. She just sat there a moment. There were no words.
Finally, she seemed to find her voice again. “I wouldn’t have said no, you know. I wouldn’t have turned you down. If you had told me… If you had said… You know… I wanted something more for most of the years we worked together, too, Josh. But I always figured you didn’t see me that way. And I didn’t think there was anything I could do about it.”
Josh’s head snapped back up and he looked at her intently, “I saw you, Donna. Believe me; I saw you. I was never blind to you… But if something had happened, it would have looked really bad to most of the staff and very…sleazy to the public. I might have been seen as just a virile guy who chased after a young sexy blonde and that would have blown over in a week or two, but you would have been seen as… well, as something much worse.”
Donna knew what he was telling her, but that still didn’t explain... “When I came back to work after my recovery, you were really distant. Everything changed after Gaza. What happened to us? You treated me really differently then. Why?” Her eyes pleaded for an explanation, as she took a chair beside him.
For a long moment, Josh just looked back at her. “Alright, I’m going to tell you something now.” His voice was low, and he was clearly uncomfortable. “I still can’t think about that whole trip and what happened to you without feeling physically sick. It’s painful for me and I feel guilty. And thinking about what happened to you… Well, let me tell you this—you remember Stanley?”
Donna nodded.
“Well, I’ve talked to him off and on a few times in the past few years, but I’ve only seen him twice since I was shot, and both times we talked about you. All I knew when I heard you were hurt was that I had to be there.” Josh seemed to get lost in thought and looked down at the floor. Almost to himself, he said “The goddamned plane wasn’t fast enough, and I kept thinking...” He looked up at her again, “I was sure you were going to be…” —he swallowed hard— “dead when I got there.
“But after a few days your health improved and you were doing so much better. And I was ready to say to hell with the public. I wanted to hold you, Donna; I wanted to tell you… I brought you flowers, roses, and I wanted to tell you how I felt, and that I wanted… well, more. And when I opened the door to your room and…”
Josh’s eyes drifted again. Clearly he was reliving it, one more time. “The room was empty except for some blood-soaked gauze and rags or sheets or something. It looked… big. I guess because the bed was gone. And…” Josh stood up and walked to the window. He could still see her room, and feel his heart fall to his feet at the sight that had awaited him when he’d opened that door. He’d gone to tell her he loved her. And he’d almost lost her. His heartbeat quickened as he thought about it.
“And they told me where you were and what happened and then I found you and you were scared and all I could do was tell you it would be alright when I wasn’t sure of it myself at all. There was nothing I could do. Nothing. No political power in the world could make you well. And my dad died from an embolism, you know? I felt so damn helpless, Donna. And the waiting was just…I just, I knew I was never going to see you again. And then the doctor came out, and he said the operation was successful but that you might…” Josh’s voice broke then, and Donna could barely stand the anguish she heard in it. She waited, but he was unable to go on for several seconds.
He finally took a deep breath. “… that you might have… damage...” But still Josh couldn’t finish the thought—until it all seemed to come out in a rush. “And then, when you pulled through and… oh God, Donna, I don’t even know the words to tell you… But I realized then that I couldn’t lose you; I couldn’t. I’d never be able to deal with it. Donna, you can’t imagine what it was like to walk into your room and find it empty except for the obvious evidence that something horrible had happened. I couldn’t stand to think the worst, but…
“I know this won’t make any sense to you. It didn’t make any sense to Stanley either, but the only way to guarantee I wouldn’t lose you was to never have you. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t made it, Donna. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if things had gone the other way. Do you understand? I couldn’t let myself be that close to you, no matter how much I wanted you. Part of me felt responsible because I sent you, and I just had to back up, to back away. It hurt too much. So while you recovered I worked. Just worked. Worked and slept and tried to convince myself that I didn’t love you. I really don’t know how to explain it. I know it doesn’t make any sense.” He paused and looked at her, asking hopefully, “Do you understand?”
Donna didn’t quite know how to reply. Her first impulse was to tell him that he could never really lose her, no matter what—that even then it had been way, way too late for him to decide never to have her, because she had long been already his. She just would have to find a way to say it all that didn’t sound like something out of the latest Harlequin. She told herself that someday she’d explain the small chuckle the thought brought on and tell him she’d tried to joke herself out of crying at the beauty of what he’d revealed to her.
But Josh’s cell rang then and they both jumped. He looked at the number: Lou. He flipped it open. “Yeah?” he said sharply.
“Hello to you, too, Josh! Cheer up! We’re tied with Vinick— or hadn’t you heard?”
“What is it, Lou?”
“Kenny called; Joey is really sick, so he gave me the numbers. Want me to go over them now?”
“No, not now. I’ll call you back.” And with that he closed the phone. He looked at Donna expectantly.
Donna suspected it had taken nearly everything Josh had to open himself to her as he had. He didn’t like to admit weakness of any kind, and knowing him as she did, she knew he would have worried he was being weak. “I think I understand, Josh. Maybe more than you do. You distanced yourself. You pulled away. You thought you were shutting out the potential for heartache and loss. But, Josh, what you did was shut out the potential for happiness, too. You do that, you know. Not always on so grand a scale as this, but you do use avoidance to get through the bumps in life.” She hoped she didn’t sound patronizing. “And Josh, I do know how it feels to think about losing you… I almost did.”
He looked at her and they both had tears in their eyes; Donna more so than Josh as all her anxiety and fear over Rosslyn rushed back through her. But the look on his face was easy for her to read: he was thankful. Thankful that she understood him; that she wasn’t angry; that she, of all people and after all this time, still got him.
“Thirsty?” he asked, and didn’t wait for an answer. “I’m thirsty; wait right here.” And he walked out the door, closing it behind him.
Donna dried her eyes, straightened up and stretched, shaking her head and smiling a little. Avoidance; yeah.
********************
Josh returned a couple minutes later with two bottles of water.
“My turn?” he asked as he sat back down. Next to him, Donna nodded.
“Okay. Do you understand why I couldn’t hire you when you came to me a few months ago? As mad as I had been at you in the beginning for leaving me…”
“Josh.” Donna interrupted and he knew immediately why.
“…for leaving your job. As mad as I had been after you left, I never wanted to hurt you.” He had realized she was nervous that day and he hated that he had had to shut her out. But he had felt he had no choice then. He told her that and she shook her head.
“I thought about you for days after that, Donna; I lost sleep.” He’d also thought she didn’t look well that day—she was too pale or too thin or something. But he didn’t tell her that now; there was no point.
He wanted to know if she was still mad at him for not hiring her. She had to get that it was political to him. He hadn’t wanted to hurt her, and missing her was both the least of what he felt for her and the most he could admit to her at the time—but the political overrode all that then. She couldn’t have walked away from one candidate and begun to represent another one that quickly. That kind of timing would have looked incredibly bad for the Santos campaign. It would have looked bad for her, too, and in that way he knew it was personal. He’d felt more than sick that he’d had to refuse her, and the manner in which he’d done it still didn’t sit right with him, and in that way he knew it was personal, too. But she had to get that the decision itself had been… business. Sometimes he hated business. Even now, as he tried to convince her, the whole thing rang a little hollow, and twisted him up inside all over again.
“Donna, it would have made you look indecisive and… and capricious. You were the voice of the other campaign. You had to let some time pass. Do you understand that—why I couldn’t hire you?”
“I know. You’re right now, and you were right then. I understand now. It stung, Josh. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, come to you for a job like that. But I really am past it now. It’s not something I hold against you. I don’t even think about it really.”
She sat back in the chair and thought for a moment. “You know, I really am amazed at you.”
He smiled that smile of his that always made her think about a four-year-old who had just been told he’d done something well. Kind of his ‘thank you and please tell me more about myself’ smile. Not so much cocky, as he could also be, but actually happy that he had pleased someone else. “Uh-kay, why?” he said through his grin.
“Josh, you have done amazing things in the last several months. You took a little known Congressman and put him in the spotlight. You knew when you walked out of the White House and went to him all those months ago that he was his own man and had strong convictions and that he was the one. You knew when he came to you and told you he would do it only if you were part of the deal, that…”
“How did you know about that?” Josh interrupted her.
“Toby told me.”
“When did you…”
“Not too long after I left. I called him to find out how you were doing…”
“He never told me that.”
“I asked him not to, Josh.”
“Oh.” He sounded somewhat surprised and maybe a little disappointed, “Do you still talk to…”
“No. I haven’t talked to him since…” A lopsided frown came and went in a second. “Anyway, what I’m getting at is I always knew you were… I can’t believe I’m saying this; you’ll never let me forget it…” She grinned. “Josh, you are incredibly skilled, you are a brilliant political mind…”
“Donna, do you have any idea how often I have screwed up during this campaign?” he interrupted. “Believe me when I tell you I might have skills, and I love what I do, but I’m… I’m not as brilliant… as I once believed I was. This has been incredibly humbling. It was easy with President Bartlet; Leo called all the shots and allowed the rest of us to work with him, and have input. I was younger then, I was more optimistic, foolish maybe. But, doing this on my own, well… there’ve been a hundred things I could have done better.”
“Josh.” She put her hand out to stop him from criticizing himself. “For all the teasing, and faux ridicule we’ve shared, for all the joking, all the… mocking, you have always been… I have always admired you. You are the most intelligent, honest, kind-hearted— though you do like to hide that character trait—ethical, fair person I know. You are…”
She wanted him to know that he had always been and still was bigger than life in her eyes. Not that she couldn’t be his equal, but part of her would always be in awe of his passion and devotion to his life’s work. Donna’s eyes were huge when she looked him straight in the eye and said, “Josh, you quite simply amaze me most of the time, and the rest of the time, you…”
“Irritate the hell out of you?” he teased.
“Well, yes of course, that too.” She flashed him a smile. She knew that in spite of his oftentimes puffed up ego, he was actually uncomfortable receiving too much praise. So she let it go.
“You know,” Josh started, serious again, “just because I didn’t hire you before, doesn’t mean that I’m not glad you’re here now. I admit I wasn’t thrilled at first, but you have done really well. I don’t just mean handling the press, Donna, but you’ve had some very constructive input in planning and strategizing, too.”
He wanted to tell her that he was amazed at her political savvy and her insight. But he didn’t know how to word it so that it didn’t sound like he was surprised she was good at this. He didn’t want to seem patronizing. So instead he said, “You truly are an asset to the campaign.”
Then he got the one thousand watt smile, and a little tiny voice saying, “Really?”
“Yes, really.”
Donna glowed for a moment, then said with a mischievous smile, “So, about yesterday morning.” She got up and walked around to stand behind his chair. She put her hands on his shoulders and began to massage the tension away. “I guess we’re pretty clear that neither of us needs to be sorry?”
“Donna, I’m not sorry. It may however, actually have been inappropriate, considering my position and your position…”
“Josh, are we going to talk about positions now?” Donna ran her hands down the front of his shirt, and bent down to whisper in his ear, “Because I have to tell you…”
“Donna!” He leaned forward, looked over his shoulder up to her face and saw her smirk. He laughed with her and he took one of her hands and laced his fingers through hers as he leaned back again.
“I’m just saying.” Donna was enjoying herself immensely. They hadn’t lost whatever they’d once had. The verbal volleying was still alive.
“As I was saying, considering what we do for a living, and the fact that I had no reason to think you would welcome such… an advance on my part….,” he went on.
“Ooo, now we’re going to talk about parts…” She ran her free hand up into his hair, slowly parting the curls with her fingernails and then barely brushing his ear with one finger as her hand leisurely moved down his cheek.
Josh, unable to continue his train of thought, turned his head and took her finger in his mouth and gently sucked on the end of it. And then his cell rang.
“Damn it,” he said, at the same time she growled at the stupid chirping sound.
There was a very good chance she would come to hate that phone.
Josh stood up and flipped the phone open as he walked over to the windows.
“Yeah?” he said in a sigh as he answered.
“Josh. Breakfast is over. Where are you?” the Congressman asked.
“Um, I’m downstairs. I’ll be up in a minute.”
“Okay. I want to go over the newest press release with Donna; find her and bring her with you.”
“Yes sir.” Josh replied. The Congressman and Josh had had a conversation early in the campaign about the presidential voice. Josh still believed a man had to be President to have a presidential voice, but Matt Santos sounded more presidential every day.
Josh snapped his phone shut. “Donna, we have to go now. The Congressman is waiting.”
“Alright.” She stood and took in a deep breath.
“Are we… OK?” Josh walked over to her and stood close. He brushed some stray hair away from her eyes. His eyebrows raised, he waited for her answer. They had both said so much. But in the end, he felt so much better for it. He hoped she did too.
“Josh. we are very much… OK.” She smiled “He pulled her close, wrapped his arms around her back and buried his face in her neck. Donna hugged him back and ran her fingers up the back of his neck into his hair.
Josh kissed her neck and she smiled. Then he pulled back and kissed her once, gently, on the mouth. The talk had washed away all the old doubts and pain and confusion. Now they were ready for something new. It was time to move on. He pulled her closer and deepened the kiss. She followed his lead and within a minute they were both out of breath.
“Josh, we’d better go.” She took his hand and pulled him back toward the door.
“Um, yeah. Probably not a good thing to get caught making out in a hotel conference room. Donna?”
“Yeah?”
“You know there are going to be very few available moments in the next several weeks, right?”
“Yeah?” She didn’t know where he was going with this.
“Well, I’m saying… that I have a tendency to…you know, get wrapped up in things. I’m… I mean, I don’t want you to think… What I’m trying to say…”
“Don’t worry Josh; I know we have a job to do. I’m going to be busy too, especially once we win.” She said this without any thought, like she knew it was a given. “If we don’t get to spend any time alone I’ll know that you’re not being… a jerk.”
Josh looked relieved. “Uh-kay, but that’s not to say that I won’t try to, you know, squeeze you in.”
Donna got his double meaning. “And I am really looking forward to all the… squeezing, Josh.”
“You know we need to keep this quiet for a while?” he asked cautiously. “And maybe take things kind of… well, I would like to have more than just a couple of hours to spend with you before…before… What I’m trying to say is whenever we… I mean don’t get me wrong, I want to. But, when we…I mean after the election we’ll have more time…” Josh finally took a breath and said, “Let’s take things one day at a time. Okay? Not rush into anything?”
“Yes. I think we need to keep this between us at least until after all the post-election mania.” She couldn’t help but chuckle softly. She understood he was being a gentleman. “And if you want to… take things one day at a time… I understand.”
Based on the kisses alone, Donna knew there was no way either of them would be able to take things one day at a time for very long. Gentleman or no, she was ready to rip his clothes off every time he kissed her. Come on—every time he looked at her. Truth be told, it had been an unhealthy amount of time since she’d had sex. Or any attention from a man, for that matter. But she could go along with his way of thinking for now. Too bad she couldn’t place a bet on it, though.
“Donna, I’m not really good at all this…,” Josh picked up, “the dating and the, you know, boyfriend stuff. But sometime, in the not too distant future, we will have time for us.” He looked at her and his eyes were dark and full of promise.
“Let’s go.” He squeezed her hand, and she smiled at him. She collected her things and he opened the door and allowed her to pass through. As she did, she stopped and looked back into the conference room.
“I like this room. It’s a good room,” she said simply. Then she smiled at Josh, turned and walked back to the lobby.
He looked back over his shoulder, and, grinning, took it all in one more time. She had a point.
END
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